The way humans socialize and interact has undergone massive changes over the last decade. The advent of technology has resulted in shorter communication periods and very often with lesser depth – we are just a click away from each other, but we have never been more disconnected. This has inadvertently had an effect on how we find love as well. With increasingly busy schedules and the social pressure to find a partner, apps have become a major part of the process, and dating has become less personal and more transactional; like online shopping, we create a checklist of desirable qualities and filter individuals based on superficial information provided on a short profile.

To some extent, much of dating app use has been associated with the desire for validation. However, many users have found that this is a slippery slope, and that their time spent on an app has had the opposite effect. It often causes emotional distress, anxiety, and a general sense of abandonment and depletion of self-confidence.

Approximately half the users on dating apps report that they are looking for marriage or a long term relationship, while the remaining are often looking for something casual. The resultant hook-up culture places pressures on individuals to keep up with dating habits that they may not necessarily have signed up for. Paired with the number of options that make persons seem replaceable, this means that basic courtesies that were once taken for granted are now considered privileges. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, love bombing, pocketing, banksying, benching, catch and release, cricketing, curving, cuffing, gaslighting, negging and several other such practices have emerged in the dating space that can have a negative impact on a person’s self-worth.

Why is it important to understand dating trends

Several dating patterns have emerged recently or have been modified or magnified alongside the use of dating apps. Identifying and labelling these practices in your dating life will allow you to retain control while dating someone new, and know when to step away to protect yourself. Setting aside time for self-improvement and love is one way to reduce your chances of being manipulated by someone who is preying on low self-esteem or even observes these patterns as a coping mechanism themselves. These practices can have harmful long-term effects on self-worth and may even change your dating patterns and life itself, creating a cycle of poor dating choices in an attempt to undo (in some ways redo and course correct with a similar person) the damage of the last instance of abuse.

The below are some dating trends that are applicable offline and online. 

Ghosting

Ghosting refers to when someone stops responding to communications with no warning or explanations. While ghosting is more a reflection of the ghoster’s emotional maturity and unwillingness to have an uncomfortable conversation, the person who is ghosted is left with no closure when communications end abruptly, leading them to question themselves. This general lack of accountability is common in today’s dating world.

Breadcrumbing

Some individuals offer crumbs of affection or attention to keep the other person interested, even when they know they are not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship. This is an emotionally manipulative, narcissistic practice that persists among people who are dependent on attention to define their self-worth, but are otherwise non-committal. Leading someone on to create a sense of dependence leaves them questioning their worth, rather than recognizing the other person’s unavailability.

Love bombing

Love bombing involves coming on strong and showering someone with affection and going above and beyond in an effort to manipulate them until they are hooked and dependent on you. After gaining their trust, the love bomber then starts to devalue, belittle, and manipulate them, sometimes isolating them from friends and family. It is a form of abuse, and is based on the idea that the other person will feel obliged toward the love bomber for the love and affection they were given very early on in the interaction, inducing a convoluted sense of loyalty.

Pocketing

Pocketing is when a partner only wants to have a relationship with you when you are alone, either at your home or theirs, or somewhere you will not run into someone. In all other instances, the relationship remains hidden from the world. When you meet someone online and they insist on meeting you only in these controlled situations, it is a red flag, and a good idea to discontinue the relationship.

Benching

This refers to when a person is ‘benched’ or kept on hold like a substitute in a sport. It is highly manipulative where one partner is strung along as a backup while the other has all the power and unilaterally decides the scope of the relationship and when they will get together with you.

Catch and Release

This basically refers to a tactic in recreational fishing that involves returning the fish to the water after it has been caught. Similarly, within the dating ecosystem, it refers to the practice of pursuing a person, but not establishing a relationship; once the thrill of the chase is over, the individual disengages.

Cricketing

Cricketing is a subtle way of letting someone down, wherein messages are left on read for a long time, sometimes weeks, instead of a clean cut. This leaves the person on the other end anxious, frustrated, and without clarity on what they did wrong to trigger the change in response time or quality.

Curving

Curving is a less aggressive form of cricketing, although with the same effect. Instead of leaving a person on read, one responds with curt messages that are sometimes monosyllabic. It is a not-so-subtle way of expressing disinterest without saying so outright. This leaves the person craving attention and trying harder to illicit a response, all the while questioning their self-worth.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is an insidious form of psychological violence where a person is lied to and manipulated constantly in a way that makes them question their memory, reality, and perception of events. Through this form of emotional abuse, the abuser creates a false narrative of events over time till the other person begins to question their sanity. This results in a loss of self-esteem and sense of control over ones experiences.

Negging

Negging is a the practice of giving back-handed comments in an attempt to undermine their confidence and gain a position of power within the dynamic so that the other person is vulnerable and craves approval from the person insulting them. It is a form of manipulation and can affect self-esteem over time and alter the way one lives.

Understanding what one is going through in these circumstances helps you not to put yourself down and to manage the situation in a better way, which will help you to foster genuine relationships that lets you grow instead of tearing you down.

To those of you who, knowingly or unknowingly, do this to your partner or ex-partner, know that there are nicer ways to be in a relationship. It could be your past or your own scars that are causing you to do this but you could end up destroying someone else’s mental health in the process. Life is too beautiful and one must not throw away relationships and love like other material things. Know their value and live in the moment. When you are in a relationship, give due respect to that space and the other person. It will come back to you in better spaces.

In healing energies.

-Article by Gauri Anand
-With inputs from team Bodhini