Have you ever wondered why someone would choose to continue to be with someone despite the continuous emotional and psychological turmoil and harm? Well, this is often due to trauma bonding.

This happens because the abuser frequently switches between kind, loving, and abusive behaviour. After an abusive episode, the abuser engages in grand gestures of affection or profusely apologises to show that they genuinely love and care for the victim and the abuse shown was a one-time mistake caused by the heat of the moment, and the cycle continues. The victim often finds themselves in emotional turmoil because, despite feeling grateful for the affection shown, they feel scared for their well-being and confused as to why this is happening to them.

This is a trauma bond, a ferocious cycle that happens and strengthens over time.

A trauma bond is a strong emotional link that may develop between an individual and their abuser—which is frequently strengthened by alternate acts of kindness and abuse. This idea was first developed by famous American psychologist Patrick Carnes, who linked trauma ties to addictive relationships. It is common in abusive relationships. The victim becomes dependent on the abuser for validation and emotional support, even when the connection is toxic, despite the toxicity it can develop into a deep tie between the two. To maintain control over time, the abuser uses tactics like manipulation and gaslighting (a tactic that makes the victim question or doubt their reality; done to maintain control over the victim) to prevent the victim from leaving.

Trauma bonding is far more complex and severe for children, given their factual dependency on the person with whom they share a trauma bond. That coupled with their lack of cognitive abilities, depending on their developmental stages, results in far more damage being done through a traumatic bond [Carnes, 1997].

“In traumatic states of helplessness, both responses are hyper-activated in the infant, leading to ‘an inward flight’ or dissociative response. Children, and later adults who have lived in fear of their caregiver, will maintain their attachment to their desperately needed caregiver by resorting to dissociation; in other words, they will develop an idealized attachment to their parent by dissociating off their terrifying memories of being abused.

KEY FEATURES OF TRAUMA BONDING

• Power imbalance

In many abusive relationships, one person, typically the abuser, exerts control over the other, making them feel powerless, isolated, or even invisible. This power dynamic often leads to a sense where the victim feels dominated or dependent on the abuser. Over time, this sense of powerlessness can erode the victim’s self-esteem and make them believe they cannot function without the abuser. The abuser, on the other hand, may feel a distorted sense of control or superiority, which can further strengthen the power imbalance and make the victim feel trapped.

• Intermittent Abuse

In these relationships, abusive episodes are not constant but rather occur in cycles. The victim might experience an abusive outburst, followed by moments of affection, guilt, promises of change in the future, or gifting or rewards from the abuser. This inconsistency can create a psychological and emotional rollercoaster for the victim. The unpredictability of when the next abuse will occur can leave them feeling on edge, unsure of what to expect. Sometimes, the victim may even hold on to the hope that the abuser will change, leading them to stay in the relationship, waiting for the next “good” phase to come around.

WHY TRAUMA BONDS FORM?

Human beings are social animals. We have a biological need to form attachments with others, and that is why trauma bonds develop. In times of stress and danger, people have a greater need to be cared for and attached to others. Research has shown a correlation between the degree of PTSD that develops after a traumatic event and the degree of loss of attachments and interpersonal support [Saporta and van der Kolk, 1992]. Any attachment is better than no attachment, a fact that is evidenced by the reality of relationships that are otherwise incomprehensible.

The effects of trauma on our brain chemistry also help to explain the behavior of victims who bond to their abusers:

1. The body is programmed to release a series of chemicals at times of actual or perceived danger and times when traumatic memories are triggered. These chemicals are intended to help us respond in ways that will aid our survival, fight-flight-freeze.
2. When traumatic events are completely overwhelming, repeated too often, or are constantly triggered by the very chemicals that are meant to help us begin to harm our bodies. The constant presence of these chemicals teaches our brains to be in a constant state of “fight, flight, or freeze.” As our brains are use-dependent, it becomes a person’s “normal state”, (Perry, 1997 & Carnes, 1997).
3. For those who are stuck in a trauma bond, the trauma chemistry creates new brain pathways and becomes “normal” to the victims. In the case of women, Oxytocin is referred to as the bonding hormone and is the chemical that starts the birth process. It is the reason any woman has a second child, as it prevents memory consolidation. ( If we were to fully remember the pain of childbirth, it is unlikely that we would repeat the experience.) It is one of nature’s ways of ensuring the continuation of our species. Oxytocin peaks for about 20 minutes after birth, which is why it has been advised to let a new mother be in physical contact with her baby during that period, as it is critical to bonding.
4. Studies have shown that, if someone is violent to a woman, oxytocin is released and she will be less likely to have a consolidated memory of the abuse and she is very likely going to bond with her abuser. If there is no consolidated memory of the abuse, it is very hard to think and act rationally about the event. If the abuser is the only one present after the abuse, the victim is likely to form a stronger bond with him.

A research paper by Taylor, Klein, Lewis, Gruenewald, Gurung, and Updegraff, 2000, proved that women do indeed bond in times of trauma, it appears that estrogen amplifies the effects of oxytocin, whereas androgens diminish the effects of oxytocin.

The way trauma is processed, especially in childhood, plays a crucial role in how trauma bonds form. According to the Traumagenic Model of Child Sexual Abuse (CSA), victims of childhood abuse often experience betrayal, stigmatization, and powerlessness, which leads to maladaptive behaviors and are often misdiagnosed with various mental health disorders including Bipolar disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Intermittent explosive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression/Anxiety, etc, with many a times ADHD as a comorbid diagnosis.  These labels along with psychiatric medication add to the already existing emotional burden, decreasing the overall functional ability of the child. When the abuser is a caregiver, the child may suppress memories or justify the abuse as a survival mechanism. This is known as Betrayal Trauma, where victims develop emotional attachments to their abusers despite the harm inflicted on them. ‘Betrayal’ is one of the most important factors that increase the severity of posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms experienced by victims of CSA and rape.

Especially in cases of child abuse, the intermittent exploitative abuse alternating with positive or neutral intervals leads to boundary confusion about what constitutes kindness, intimacy, safety, and love, and this confusion results in an emotional bond with the exploitative perpetrator (Reid, Haskell, Dillahunt-Aspillaga, & Thor, 2013).

This to some extent also explains the reason for recantation in child abuse cases.

UNDERSTANDING THE IMPACT

The psychological impact trauma bonding has on victims after leaving such relationships revealed both shared and distinct outcomes, particularly concerning emotional attachment, mental health issues, and the ability to form new relationships.

One major long-term effect of trauma bonding is difficulty in establishing trust and forming healthy relationships post-abuse. As the cycle of abuse often involves irregular reinforcement, where moments of kindness are interlaced with violence or neglect (Dr. Huysman,J.), This inconsistency creates an emotional dependency, making it hard for victims to trust new partners or friends. They may also struggle to open up to others, fearing they might get hurt or betrayed by others, which can lead to isolation and loneliness. Over time, the victim may also begin to believe that they are better off alone than risking being hurt again.

Research by Dutton and Painter (2014) showed that the emotional attachment levels of the victim had a 27% drop and attachment levels have also significantly been influenced post 6 months after the separation. Still, the aftereffects of abuse remained, making it challenging for victims to form new connections.

After leaving an abusive partner, victims frequently struggle with feelings of guilt and confusion because, even if they are aware of the trauma they have endured, they may still feel an emotional connection to their abuser. This mental struggle might impede healing and cause ongoing distress. Furthermore, several studies emphasise the detrimental effects on the victims’ mental health and self-esteem. Victims in abusive relationships are frequently manipulated into thinking that they deserve the abuse or they are too responsible for it. These repeated messages can be internalized and accepted in time, leading to feelings of inadequacy and a firm perception that one is not good enough.

Additionally, emotional confusion caused by trauma bonding makes it challenging for victims to distinguish between abuse and love and makes it hard for them to recognize healthy relationships. This misconception may make victims doubt their judgment while decreasing their confidence in making wise choices. Many victims battle with self-blame even after ending a relationship, feeling guilty for staying in it for so long, which further lowers their self-esteem even more.

They may also experience symptoms of anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. The victim may find it challenging to manage their relationships, employment, and education as a result of these mental health conditions.

Anyone in an abusive relationship can develop a traumatic bond with their abuser and to accept that it was an abusive relationship takes even more courage. Breaking free from the bond is daunting and overwhelming, as it requires intense self-reflection and courage to confront the underlying issues that have contributed to the bond. It will take time to unlearn those coping strategies or mechanisms that have kept you safe at some point.

It’s okay to feel conflicted; many people would feel the same in your shoes. Healing from trauma is not a simple task that you can cross out from your checklist. Rather, it is a process that happens over time and with great patience, time, and care. Having to relive and confront the turmoil of your past where it all began, to reach a better place is not an easy task to do. But, what’s important to know is that you can heal from your trauma and learn better coping methods. It takes time, and help and in some cases, it takes specialised help. But you can overcome this!

STEPS TO BREAK FREE FROM TRAUMA BOND

• Recognize and Accept the Trauma Bond

One of the most difficult parts about breaking free from a traumatic bond is understanding how abusive the relationship was. People in abusive relationships frequently minimize or ignore their abusive partner’s behavior, most prefer to focus on the “occasional positive moments shared” or the possibility of change in them. Understanding the abusive cycle of your relationship from an objective point of view is difficult. Accepting the pain and suffering you experienced, and recognizing that it is and never was a healthy or sustainable situation for you. But it is important to accept the reality that no matter how hard it is, abuse whether physical, emotional, or psychological is never acceptable.

Keeping a journal to express your emotions and for the events that occurred can help clarify the reality of the relationship, making it more difficult to ignore or explain the abuse.

• Grey rock method

The Grey Rock Method is a psychological strategy designed to manage interactions with abusive or manipulative individuals, particularly those exhibiting narcissistic traits. The grey rock method involves showing no reaction or emotional response when someone is using narcissistic or abusive tactics.

A few examples are:

• Avoid telling the person you are taking this approach
• Give short, straightforward, and emotionally empty responses to questions when needed
• Avoid eye contact
• You can use canned responses like, “Please don’t take that tone with me,” or “I’m not having this conversation with you.” or “we can talk when you are calm”
• Disconnect and focus your attention on an activity or something else going on around you
• Staying calm, cool and collected in your response, even when the other person is ratcheting up the volume or trying to pick a fight

By minimizing engagement through short, neutral replies and avoiding eye contact, this method aims to decrease the manipulative behavior directed toward them.

• Seek Professional Support

Healing from trauma requires specialised care. A skilled therapist can help you understand your experiences and address your emotional attachment to your abuser in a safe environment, free from shame or judgment. There is no one-size-fits-all strategy to help overcome trauma bonds; instead, a variety of trauma-focused therapies are available that can effectively support the survivors. These therapies can be utilized to heal trauma bonds.

Joining a support group offers numerous benefits for survivors of trauma bonding, including the creation of connections, sharing of insights, learning effective coping strategies, and access to professional resources.

• Focus on Building Self-Worth

Being in an abusive relationship can be devastating to your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Be mindful of the things you say to yourself. Remind yourself that you have many positive qualities and deserve happiness. Be gentle with yourself. You’re learning a new way of living, and it takes time.

• Develop a Support Network

Having a strong support system is crucial when breaking a trauma bond. Contact trusted friends, family members, or support groups who can offer emotional support and practical advice. Consider joining a support group for survivors of abuse, where you can connect with others who have experienced similar situations. Allow yourself to connect with people who are emotionally and physically safe. Practice healthy communication and stand up for yourself. Experiencing healthy relationships helps to strengthen your ability to form healthy attachments.

• Create a Safety Plan

Think of how you want your future to look. Allow yourself to envision more for yourself and make plans to conquer that future. Remember that safety planning is an ongoing process that requires adaptability and reflection, ensuring you remain resilient and focused as you create and conquer a brighter future for yourself.

• Practice Self-Care

Self-care involves activities that reduce stress and promote physical and emotional well-being. These activities are nurturing, fulfilling, and healthy. Good self-care helps relieve stress and helps you build self-love and learn to rely on yourself for comfort. A few activities include:

• Exercising
• Journaling
• Indulging in a hobby or activity you enjoy
• Try out new hobbies
• Exploring new places
• Relaxation practices like yoga, meditation
• Getting proper healthy sleep
• Eating a balanced, nutritious diet
• Spending time with trusted friends and family

Sometimes what helps the most is time. Give yourself the time to heal, grow, and change. The secret to healing is to reject self-blame and practice love toward oneself. Anybody who’s been in a trauma bond should seek support from their friends, family, or support groups. It can be difficult to break free from a trauma bond. Still, with the right resources and assistance, it is possible to break the pattern of abuse and recover from the relationship’s emotional and traumatic cycle. You are allowed to grow and move on from environments and relationships that do not serve you, and no one should ever make you feel dependent on them for your mental health; you deserve to be loved, respected, and treated with care.

Helplines

If you are or know someone who is experiencing domestic violence or violence in relationships, reach out to Mitra – 181(Women’s helpline) for help. 

REFERENCES

Casassa, K., Knight, L., & Mengo, C. (2022). Trauma Bonding Perspectives From Service Providers and Survivors of Sex Trafficking: A Scoping Review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 23(3), 969-984. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838020985542

Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in Abusive Relationships: A Test of Traumatic Bonding Theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120. https://doi.org/10.1891/0886-6708.8.2.105

Effiong, J. E., Ibeagha, P. N., & Iorfa, S. K. (2022). Traumatic bonding in victims of intimate partner violence is intensified via empathy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(12), 3619-3637. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221106237

Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: a test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120.

Dr. Huysman,J. (2024). Trauma Bonding: Exploring the Psychological Effects of Abuse.

Chung, M., (2021). Grey rock method: What it is and how to use it effectively. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock.

Article by: Anita Antony